poison

She bottled it up

her emotions

her desires

her fantasies

for his blood

his smell

his touch

it was tainted yes

the poison had taken her

consuming her

ridding her of control

he stole it

ripped it from her grasp

so simple she broke

so easy he found it to take her

everything he wanted

and to give nothing back

except torture

pain

and a burning hatred

dissolving in her mind

his collaborated lies

melted into truth

so controlled reality had faded

she walked in circles

awaiting the next exposure

withdrawal set in so smoothly

shooting pain through her veins

she fell to the floor as he wanted

in agony

begging for her next fix

praying he would show himself

tests

Do you think that a person can be put into your life to test you, challenge you?...

For example, say you are in some sort of relationship, and you meet someone
and you two become friends now, you have a strong bond with your bf/gf but
you have this temptation/craving that is lingering inside you. You love who
you are with but you are so tempted to just try something different, reconnect
with your youth. Can anyone relate?

...............................................................................................................................................................................

Can people really become apart of our lives for a specific reason?- I have this thought
that a certain person in my life was put there for a reason. I think that he was put
there to challenge me, inspire me, help me and push me.

My thought is like this, I think that any person we interact with in our lives is there
for a purpose. The people in our lives are there to influence us on anything, a decision
that we may need to make, a mistake we have made, or even a life we are trying to
figure out... hmmm

stuff

I have been through a lot, and things seem to be changing so rapidly.
I never would have thought i would be where i am right now. I must say
i am very proud of where i am, how far i've come both with and with
out help. I understand that things are not going to stop changing. I under-
stand that.... and as i keep growing and maturing... and learning more and
more what i want and don't want out of life, I am noticing though things get
hard they do get better. You just have to ride the rough spots through, and
be strong.

MONSTER JAM

PRIDE FEST!!

Ok so Pride fest was the shit... i had a blast... i loved the train rides the subway and the parade... it was all sufficiently AWESOME!! i can't wait till next year!!!

Drugs... and booz!!

Ok so I had a bad night tonight.
the original plan was that after work
I go to see my friends new house. Un-
fortunately that is not how things went
down.... huh well she showed up at my
job and she was high.... we get out to
her car and her BF is high... none of this
of course surprises me. Well we got in the car
and we went to pick up our other friend.
well my friend kerrin and my friend sam i have both been friends with for a long ass time and i love them to death. we haven't always seen eye to eye but now they are all about drinking and smoking pot... like ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!... and i don't have an issue with that... but it's not something i'm not into now... my issue is that i break easy under pressure. I don't like to not fit in so i try my damnedest to fit in. If it means drinking or smoking then hell what ever... but when i do it... things don't end well.... huh So any way after we picked up Sam then there is talk about going to actually do a drug deal... and it's like no... i don't do well in that kind of shit... so we stopped at Stewarts b/c kerrin wanted ice cream b/c she had the munchies... and that is when i started feeling the pressure so i called my BF and we got into it... he wasn't happy i knew that was what was going to happen... but in the end i had him come get me... I knew if i went i wasn't going to have a good time and if i was going to go and i knew i was going to drink if i wasn't in a good mood things seriously wouldn't end well... at all.. ugh i don't even want to think about it... huh.... but yea... my night sucked and that is that...

Just thinking...

Life is a very tricky thing. With so many obstacles, and different directions you can go. Right now I'm sort of stuck in this scared path. and I have no idea where to go from here. I WANT to go to school so bad in Aug. and I want to go to school for Chemical Technician. The thing is, I'm scared. I need to get my financial aid filled out but I can't b/c my mom doesn't know what i need and she doesn't even have all her papers from her taxes. it's so bad. I can't pay for it out of my own pocket. I don't have that kind of money. I really don't so i can't go to school... but that means one thing... on September 11th 2008 i will be one of the many young adults with out health insurance. Meaning if i get sick i will be fucked. If i get hurt i'm fucked. I need a new car soon... mine isn't going to cut it much longer and it's like i can't afford a decent car, and even if i get a car loan there is no way in hell at $8 an hour would I be able to get pay off a car loan a school loan and my own car insurance policy and Gas. i'm not sure how to handle this all. I have always dreamed of going to College but the more i think about it, It's not me. I don't feel like I belong there. *SiGhS*

I don't know really. When i think about my future i don't see me as something good. To be honest, I don't see me in the future. You know with a family and a house. I don't know how to explain it. I'm feeling like I'm falling apart. and i'm not sure how to fix it. I'm trying to become more mature but I'm becoming over whelmed. I'm trying not to show it... but i don't know how much longer i can keep doing it. I'm trying to pay for my own shit, but it's like i still want to have money i can spend on me... i really do... Huh... i'm just so over whelmed and when it comes to driving I get really scared in really stressful situations. I keep thinking i'm going to mess up and then i start thinking the worst...huh idk it's all very complicated ....