tests

Do you think that a person can be put into your life to test you, challenge you?...

For example, say you are in some sort of relationship, and you meet someone
and you two become friends now, you have a strong bond with your bf/gf but
you have this temptation/craving that is lingering inside you. You love who
you are with but you are so tempted to just try something different, reconnect
with your youth. Can anyone relate?

...............................................................................................................................................................................

Can people really become apart of our lives for a specific reason?- I have this thought
that a certain person in my life was put there for a reason. I think that he was put
there to challenge me, inspire me, help me and push me.

My thought is like this, I think that any person we interact with in our lives is there
for a purpose. The people in our lives are there to influence us on anything, a decision
that we may need to make, a mistake we have made, or even a life we are trying to
figure out... hmmm

stuff

I have been through a lot, and things seem to be changing so rapidly.
I never would have thought i would be where i am right now. I must say
i am very proud of where i am, how far i've come both with and with
out help. I understand that things are not going to stop changing. I under-
stand that.... and as i keep growing and maturing... and learning more and
more what i want and don't want out of life, I am noticing though things get
hard they do get better. You just have to ride the rough spots through, and
be strong.

MONSTER JAM

PRIDE FEST!!

Ok so Pride fest was the shit... i had a blast... i loved the train rides the subway and the parade... it was all sufficiently AWESOME!! i can't wait till next year!!!

Drugs... and booz!!

Ok so I had a bad night tonight.
the original plan was that after work
I go to see my friends new house. Un-
fortunately that is not how things went
down.... huh well she showed up at my
job and she was high.... we get out to
her car and her BF is high... none of this
of course surprises me. Well we got in the car
and we went to pick up our other friend.
well my friend kerrin and my friend sam i have both been friends with for a long ass time and i love them to death. we haven't always seen eye to eye but now they are all about drinking and smoking pot... like ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!... and i don't have an issue with that... but it's not something i'm not into now... my issue is that i break easy under pressure. I don't like to not fit in so i try my damnedest to fit in. If it means drinking or smoking then hell what ever... but when i do it... things don't end well.... huh So any way after we picked up Sam then there is talk about going to actually do a drug deal... and it's like no... i don't do well in that kind of shit... so we stopped at Stewarts b/c kerrin wanted ice cream b/c she had the munchies... and that is when i started feeling the pressure so i called my BF and we got into it... he wasn't happy i knew that was what was going to happen... but in the end i had him come get me... I knew if i went i wasn't going to have a good time and if i was going to go and i knew i was going to drink if i wasn't in a good mood things seriously wouldn't end well... at all.. ugh i don't even want to think about it... huh.... but yea... my night sucked and that is that...

Just thinking...

Life is a very tricky thing. With so many obstacles, and different directions you can go. Right now I'm sort of stuck in this scared path. and I have no idea where to go from here. I WANT to go to school so bad in Aug. and I want to go to school for Chemical Technician. The thing is, I'm scared. I need to get my financial aid filled out but I can't b/c my mom doesn't know what i need and she doesn't even have all her papers from her taxes. it's so bad. I can't pay for it out of my own pocket. I don't have that kind of money. I really don't so i can't go to school... but that means one thing... on September 11th 2008 i will be one of the many young adults with out health insurance. Meaning if i get sick i will be fucked. If i get hurt i'm fucked. I need a new car soon... mine isn't going to cut it much longer and it's like i can't afford a decent car, and even if i get a car loan there is no way in hell at $8 an hour would I be able to get pay off a car loan a school loan and my own car insurance policy and Gas. i'm not sure how to handle this all. I have always dreamed of going to College but the more i think about it, It's not me. I don't feel like I belong there. *SiGhS*

I don't know really. When i think about my future i don't see me as something good. To be honest, I don't see me in the future. You know with a family and a house. I don't know how to explain it. I'm feeling like I'm falling apart. and i'm not sure how to fix it. I'm trying to become more mature but I'm becoming over whelmed. I'm trying not to show it... but i don't know how much longer i can keep doing it. I'm trying to pay for my own shit, but it's like i still want to have money i can spend on me... i really do... Huh... i'm just so over whelmed and when it comes to driving I get really scared in really stressful situations. I keep thinking i'm going to mess up and then i start thinking the worst...huh idk it's all very complicated ....

Goals.

Ok so what is a Goal

well if you look it up in a dictionary it is

Goal-->the result or achievement toward which effort is directed

but to dumb it down a bit for us lazy people
who don't feel like thinking.

a goal could be something you are striving to get to
or something you are trying to become

like your goal could be to become a Dr.
or save up money for a car


well Goals are easily made and easier forgotten/broken
but, anyways people have all kinds of different goals...

My latest goal is....

--> i want to quit smoking.
but i'm not really sure how that is going to work out.
I don't know if i can do it.... huh but i want to try....



I'm going to see how well i do... I know how easy it is to give up on things like this...
i have seen it in a lot of people. All i know is that i don't want to be smoking for the rest off my life... so i'm going to try.... huh.... i don't want to just give up when things get tough



-->

thoughts of mind

Looking in the mirror
who is that you see
is it who you are?
or who you want to be?

tossing and turning
between reality and fiction
hoping to see the truth
without a single restriction

staring your self down
fighting off the past
see the future now
a happiness that will last

© By HetheR

Psalm 12

Help Lord, for the godly are no more;
the faithful have vanished from among men.
Everyone lies to his neighbor:
their flattering lips speak with deception.

May the lord cut off all flattering lips
and every boastful tongue
that says, "We will triumph with out tongues;
we own our lips-- who is our master?"
"Because of the oppression of the weak
and the groaning of the needy,
I will now arise," says the LORD.
I will protect them from those who malign them."
And the words of the LORD are flawless,
like silver refined in a furnace of clay,
purified seven times.

O LORD, you will keep us safe
and protect us from such people forever.
The wicked freely strut about
when what is vile is honored among men.

being sick

Being sick is not a fun thing,
my body aches
my throat is killing me
i can't swallow
and i've had a slight fever for like two days

i hate being sick and missing work...
it isn't fun... i need the money and i like
seeing people out side of my apartment. oy

it is my third day home sick and i have a Dr's appointment
at 5:15pm... i haven't been sleeping well at all.. waking up
like every two hours or so... first i'm freezing and need three blankets to
keep warm and then i'm sweating my ass off.. grrr it's so irritating...

recent thoughts

life-->


I'm trying to overcome my fears and take on what i can to prove to everyone else that i can do it... and i can do it on my own... that i don't need to look to other people for help but i don't see that happening... huh idk really.



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Life in general

Huh... Life can be a funny thing really. People can be infected mentally, with hatred and fear. Some people don't have enough strength to stand up for them selves. But they feel anger, Anger that they hold in until it comes out and they can't stop it. I feel that anger everyday. Lately I feel like i want to flip out, I want to yell at someone, or break down crying. It comes from a feeling of being over whelmed. I'm not sure how to deal with it. It makes me want to cry but that isn't going to fix any thing.


When I think of my childhood and how i was raised, I don't feel prepared for the real world. I mean i knew it wasn't going to be easy, that was a given, but it's like i don't understand things as well as i should... that also makes me feel over whelmed. That upsets me and i look down on myself, I think of me as too young to be out here. Living on my own. Huh... Even though i hated my childhood i miss how easy it was but i still wouldn't go back... I mean for an 18 year old I'm proud of where i am... i have a job and I'm going to school in Aug. *GuLp*





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I'm one to let fear take over... I have let it control me a lot of my life, and I have let it fuck a lot of things up for me. I mean I have gotten a lot better. When I first started my job at Sears i was thinking the worse. I didn't think i would get it. I thought i was going to hate it and fuck everything up....

I love my job... and i hate when i have to call in... but today i was not feeling well at all... my period 11 days and still going is kicking my ass... i was throwing up today... and I don't like it... i kind of wish i didn't get it any more... but eh what ever... i should go for now...

*SiGhS*

As i sit and i write this i can't help but wonder how complicated things are. Between relationships, friendships, Family, and just life in in general.




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Friendships-->
-->these parts of you life are difficult as well. Getting out of HS you tend to lose a lot of friends that you SWORE you would be friends with FOREVER, You wanted to tight with them b/c of all the shit you have been through together. I have lost friends, people change and leave and you just lose touch. It's sad really. I miss the way things used to be but i don't think i would go back, too much drama, and giant dating sex circles hahaha it's so true... some are kept secrets sleeping with best friends BFs you know how it is... or a friend or sibling dating and fucking someone you like !! life is fucked up... but what are you going to do?


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